Marriage At Older Age
Malaysians are getting married at older age. Why? Let me give an example. It is a little bit long example. If you want to skip it, there is a summary at the end.
Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a carrier as an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary, say RM2000 per month and without any saving in the bank. Monthly, extracting your expenditures on foods, transportation (public or motorcycle), electricity, water, phone, house rent and other expenses, say you can save about RM800 the most. Then, because you are a good son, you send some money to your parents or relatives about RM300 per month. This will give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the first year, maybe you are very discipline with your budget, so you save about RM5000.
The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of you plan to get married after one year or two. Ok, that's fine, it gives you time to save some more money and some more time to prepare the basic necessities for a 'happy' family? a car and a roof to live under. That year because you are a hard worker, you get a raise of 10%. Since you are also a gentleman, you make sure some money is put aside to spend on dates and gifts for your girl, so 10% goes for her. Like the previous year, after much sweat and meggie-eating months, you save another RM5000. Your company is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus. So, another RM4000 is added to your saving. So, your total saving now is RM14,000. You decide to spend about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car down payment. So, you net saving that year is RM6000.
The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine at work. But because now you have to pay for car every month, your total monthly saving is cut down to about RM400. You save roughly about RM5000 that year. No bonus that year because your company is doing poor. So, your total saving in the bank is RM11,000. Then, you decide to get engaged with your girlfriend. She said OK. So, need to buy an engagement ring. RM1500 is spent on ring plus 'hantaran pertunangan'. So, your net saving that year is RM9,500.
The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your salary now is 1.5 of your starting salary at the company. Good news! You think. "Ok, this year I will get married". You also are 'gersang' already. So, you ask your fiance "how much is the dowry (hantaran)? "She say, "berapa-berapa yang u sanggup". You ask,"RM5000 ok?". She replies, "I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata grad oversea macam I ni mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang RM10,000 tau!". Your eyes 'terjegil', your tounge 'meleleh' and you faint on the spot. "Where else in the world can I get extra money?", you say to yourself. But, because you are very determined to get married with your dream girl and in the name of love, you work really really hard that year until you are awarded "The Best Employee of The Year". You get 3 months of bonus. You also do some side business to supply ayam pencen. So, roughly your net saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.
Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in the bank to pay for the dowry. But then, come your mom saying,"Anak mak nak kawin ni mesti la buat grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput penyanyi ke artis ke sorang dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita cater aje la ya? RM10 je sekepala. Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg cantik-cantik dan mahal-mahal sket. Kita jemput dalam 1000 orang datang ok?" You did a quick in-the-head-calculation, "1000xRM10=RM10,000, penyanyi lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu tak masuk cincin kahwin lagi!!" You say,"Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?" Your mom replies,"Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin sekali je seumur hidup. Biarlah buat betul-betul." You insist,"Tapi mak?" Your mom says, "Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak. Cik Tipah jiran kita tu buat kenduri kat hotel siap dato, datin, tan sri puan sri lagi datang. Mana la mak nak letak muka kalau buat kenduri kecik kecik?".
Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful happy life after marriage that you dream of with your wife does not last long. You have debts around your waist, interest gets higher every month, cannot afford to pay them, you wife gets tired of you asking money from her, she accuses you of being irresponsible husband for not being a good provider, blah blah blah? At the end, you two go into separate ways? You get divorced.
Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why marriage institution is failing in our country. The above example may not represent the whole phenomena in our culture, but perhaps it gives us some ideas of the problems young couple these days are facing in getting married from my perspective. The Root Cause of The Problem... There is something wrong in our culture.
I really think there are some practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture specifically) that do not make sense and especially they are contrary to the teaching of Islam. These practices are well-rooted in our culture that unfortunately because of them, many people are 'afraid' to get married, or simply feel like they cannot afford when they are actually can afford.
These are some of my observation and summary analysis:
(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but in Malaysia, it is ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition on whose wedding is the most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is usually the reason why people spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of money for a wedding.
(2) The "price" of a woman is measured according to her perhaps educational background, physical attributes and family social status not according to her knowledge and understanding of Deen and piety as suggested by the religion. The saddest thing is that "price" is put on women, who are supposed to be, if God-loving, kind-hearted and pious ones, "priceless"! 'Dowry' system is adopted by the Malays from perhaps the Indians who came to Malaysia long time ago. When the 'dowry' is put too high and men can't afford to pay, marriage is usually delayed or cancelled. An effort to build another small brick unit of this Deen is delayed or perhaps destroyed only for this reason.
(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for the couple not hard, which eventually becomes a burden. These days, we make marriage so complicated that people are afraid of getting married. When I was in the US, I saw Muslim brothers and sisters getting married at the mosque, with just some sweets as the main course for the guests. The guests who were invited to witness the ceremony were usually whoever prayed jemaah at the mosque or some close relatives and friends. There is no point of being extravagance. We should focus on the life after wedding not the wedding itself. Wedding is only a door to the marriage house. Why should we spent a lot of money to decorate the door so beautifully, when the inside of the house is then left empty, dark and unattractive?
... and the pressure is on men...
-Sumbangan e-mel dari seorang kawan-
Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a carrier as an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary, say RM2000 per month and without any saving in the bank. Monthly, extracting your expenditures on foods, transportation (public or motorcycle), electricity, water, phone, house rent and other expenses, say you can save about RM800 the most. Then, because you are a good son, you send some money to your parents or relatives about RM300 per month. This will give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the first year, maybe you are very discipline with your budget, so you save about RM5000.
The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of you plan to get married after one year or two. Ok, that's fine, it gives you time to save some more money and some more time to prepare the basic necessities for a 'happy' family? a car and a roof to live under. That year because you are a hard worker, you get a raise of 10%. Since you are also a gentleman, you make sure some money is put aside to spend on dates and gifts for your girl, so 10% goes for her. Like the previous year, after much sweat and meggie-eating months, you save another RM5000. Your company is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus. So, another RM4000 is added to your saving. So, your total saving now is RM14,000. You decide to spend about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car down payment. So, you net saving that year is RM6000.
The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine at work. But because now you have to pay for car every month, your total monthly saving is cut down to about RM400. You save roughly about RM5000 that year. No bonus that year because your company is doing poor. So, your total saving in the bank is RM11,000. Then, you decide to get engaged with your girlfriend. She said OK. So, need to buy an engagement ring. RM1500 is spent on ring plus 'hantaran pertunangan'. So, your net saving that year is RM9,500.
The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your salary now is 1.5 of your starting salary at the company. Good news! You think. "Ok, this year I will get married". You also are 'gersang' already. So, you ask your fiance "how much is the dowry (hantaran)? "She say, "berapa-berapa yang u sanggup". You ask,"RM5000 ok?". She replies, "I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata grad oversea macam I ni mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang RM10,000 tau!". Your eyes 'terjegil', your tounge 'meleleh' and you faint on the spot. "Where else in the world can I get extra money?", you say to yourself. But, because you are very determined to get married with your dream girl and in the name of love, you work really really hard that year until you are awarded "The Best Employee of The Year". You get 3 months of bonus. You also do some side business to supply ayam pencen. So, roughly your net saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.
Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in the bank to pay for the dowry. But then, come your mom saying,"Anak mak nak kawin ni mesti la buat grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput penyanyi ke artis ke sorang dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita cater aje la ya? RM10 je sekepala. Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg cantik-cantik dan mahal-mahal sket. Kita jemput dalam 1000 orang datang ok?" You did a quick in-the-head-calculation, "1000xRM10=RM10,000, penyanyi lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu tak masuk cincin kahwin lagi!!" You say,"Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?" Your mom replies,"Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin sekali je seumur hidup. Biarlah buat betul-betul." You insist,"Tapi mak?" Your mom says, "Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak. Cik Tipah jiran kita tu buat kenduri kat hotel siap dato, datin, tan sri puan sri lagi datang. Mana la mak nak letak muka kalau buat kenduri kecik kecik?".
Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful happy life after marriage that you dream of with your wife does not last long. You have debts around your waist, interest gets higher every month, cannot afford to pay them, you wife gets tired of you asking money from her, she accuses you of being irresponsible husband for not being a good provider, blah blah blah? At the end, you two go into separate ways? You get divorced.
Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why marriage institution is failing in our country. The above example may not represent the whole phenomena in our culture, but perhaps it gives us some ideas of the problems young couple these days are facing in getting married from my perspective. The Root Cause of The Problem... There is something wrong in our culture.
I really think there are some practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture specifically) that do not make sense and especially they are contrary to the teaching of Islam. These practices are well-rooted in our culture that unfortunately because of them, many people are 'afraid' to get married, or simply feel like they cannot afford when they are actually can afford.
These are some of my observation and summary analysis:
(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but in Malaysia, it is ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition on whose wedding is the most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is usually the reason why people spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of money for a wedding.
(2) The "price" of a woman is measured according to her perhaps educational background, physical attributes and family social status not according to her knowledge and understanding of Deen and piety as suggested by the religion. The saddest thing is that "price" is put on women, who are supposed to be, if God-loving, kind-hearted and pious ones, "priceless"! 'Dowry' system is adopted by the Malays from perhaps the Indians who came to Malaysia long time ago. When the 'dowry' is put too high and men can't afford to pay, marriage is usually delayed or cancelled. An effort to build another small brick unit of this Deen is delayed or perhaps destroyed only for this reason.
(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for the couple not hard, which eventually becomes a burden. These days, we make marriage so complicated that people are afraid of getting married. When I was in the US, I saw Muslim brothers and sisters getting married at the mosque, with just some sweets as the main course for the guests. The guests who were invited to witness the ceremony were usually whoever prayed jemaah at the mosque or some close relatives and friends. There is no point of being extravagance. We should focus on the life after wedding not the wedding itself. Wedding is only a door to the marriage house. Why should we spent a lot of money to decorate the door so beautifully, when the inside of the house is then left empty, dark and unattractive?
... and the pressure is on men...
-Sumbangan e-mel dari seorang kawan-
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SURAT INI DATANG DARI SYECH AHMAD (SAUDI ARABIA) SEORANG PENJAGA MAKAM
RASULULLAH SAW. DI MADINAH
Wasiat dari SYECH AHMAD untuk seluruh umat Islam:
Saya bersumpah dengan nama Allah SWT. dan Nabi Muhammad SAW. pada malam hari takkala saya membaca Al Qur’an di makam Rasulullah saya sempat tertidur dan bermimpi bertemu dengan Rasulullah SAW. Beliau berkata, “Dalam 60.000 orang yang mati/meninggal dunia, diantara bilangan itu tidak seorangpun mati beriman dikarenakan:
1. Seorang istri tidak lagi mendengarkan kata-kata suaminya.
2. Seorang kaya yang tidak berzakat, tidak sholat, tidak puasa, dan tidak menunaikan Ibadah Haji, padahal mereka mampu melaksanakannya. Oleh karena itu pesan ini hendaklah engkau sebarkan kepada semua Umat Islam di dunia agar mentaari semua perintah Allah SWT.”
Demikianlah pesan Rasulullah kepada saya, maka berdasarkan pesan tersebut saya berpesan kepada segenap Umat Islam di dunia agar:
1. Bershalawat kepada Nabi Muhammad SAW.
2. Jangan bermalas-malasan untuk sholat.
3. Berpuasa di bulan Ramadhan, serta kalau mampu tunaikan Ibadah Haji.
Perhatian: Barang siapa membaca surat ini maka hendaklah menyalin dan menduplikasikannya untuk disampaikan kepada orang lain yang beriman pada hari kiamat, yang dating tiba-tiba dimana bintang akan terbit, Al-Qur’an akan hilang dan matahari dekat diatas kepala, saat itulah manusia akan panic akibat ulah mereka yang selalu menuruti hawa nafsu. Barang siapa menyebarkan surat ini sebanyak 20 lembar dan disebarkan kepada teman-teman atau masyarakat Islam maka percayalah anda akan memperoleh keuntungan setelah dua minggu.
Telah terbukti seorang pengusaha di Bandung, setelah membaca surat ini lalu menyalin dan menyebarkannya sebanyak 20 lembar, maka dalam jangka dua minggu kemudian ia mendapat keunggulan yang sangat luar biasa besarnya. Dan sebaliknya orang yang menyepelekannya atau membuangnya, maka ia akan mendapat musibah yang besar, yaitu kehilangan suatu benda yang dicintainya/disayanginya. Perlu diingat: Kalau kita sengaja tidak memberitahukan kepada orang lain, maka tunggulah nasib apa yang akan anda alami dan menyesal apabila mendapat bencana tiba-tiba atau kerugian yang sangat besar. Sebaliknya apabila anda menyalin dan menyebarkan kepada orang lain maka anda akan mendapat keuntungan atau rizqi yang tidak disangka-sangka. Surat ini menjelajahi dan mengelilingi dunia yang pada akhirnya sampai ke tangan anda.
Kejadian-kejadian yang telah tebukti:
MUSTHAFA : Mantan Menteri Nasabah Malaysia dipecat dari jabatannya karena beliau lupa setelah menerima surat ini tidak menyebarkan, kemudian beliau ingat akan surat ini dan menyalinnya 20 lembar serta menyebarkannya dan beberapa hari kemudian beliau dilantik kembali menjadi Menteri Kabinet.
TUAN GOZALI : Mantan Menteri Malaysia yang menerima surat ini dan menyalinnya 20 lembar dan menyebarkannya, beberapa hari kemudian beliau mendapat keuntungan yang luar biasa besarnya.
TUAN ABD.GHOFAR : Mantan Menteri Indonesia beliau lupa tidak menyalinnya dan tidak menyebarkannya surat ini, tidak lama kemudian beliau dipecat dari jabatannya dan tidak lagi digunakan dalam susunan Kabinet Pemerintah.
TUAN ALLBITORE : Presiden Pakistan yang menerima surat ini tetapi tidak menyalin dan menyebarkan sehingga menanggung akibat, yaitu beliau digulingkan dari kedudukannya dan beliau dihukum mati.
Kejadian-kejadian di atas adalah sebagai bukti dan untuk itu saya sarankan agar anda tidak merahasiakannya. Segera menyalin dan menduplikasikannya sebanyak 20 lembar dan menyebarkannya kepada Umat Islam. Tunggu kabar baik dalam waktu dua minggu setelah anda menyebarkan surat ini. Allah SWT meridhoi niat anda semua, marilah bersama-sama kita memohon ampun kepada Allah SWT agar hidup kita senantiasa dalam lindunganNya.
JANGAN MENYEPELEKAN SURAT INI !!!
AMALKAN DAN WASPADALAH